Office of the
Attorney General of the
United States of America
Alberto Gonzales, Chicano Activist Lawyer
By Michael Soto
To: Hon. John Conyers, Jr., Chairman-elect
Committee on the Judiciary
U.S. House of Representatives
From: Alberto Gonzales c/s
Date: el 8 de noviembre 2006
Re: Department of Justice oversight
Cc: Hon. James Sensenbrenner, Jr., Chairman emeritus
“Alberto Gonzales, Chicano Activist Lawyer: Recriminations-reshiminations”
Camarada, amigo, hermano: ¡Órale! Who would’ve thunk that two fellow travelers like us would wind up where we are today? In spite of Diebold’s best efforts, the palanca-pulling gente have spoken: Congratulations, mister chairman-elect! Per your request, I am forwarding briefing summaries that provide a glimpse of ongoing DoJ initiatives.
Voting Rights: Last night’s canvassing proved the Justice Department’s point once and for all: No paper trail, no voting errors.
Border Fence: The recently minted law establishing a 700-mile fence along the U.S.-Mexico border seemed like slipshod political grandstanding at the time, but now it’s concept art. Environmental artist Christo has agreed to give literal shape to the figure of speech, “tortilla curtain”: 700 miles of tortillas, each bearing the burnt masa image of la Virgen de Guadalupe, will serve as a mouthwatering barrier to illegal immigration and at the same time breathe life into the pilgrimage-dependent tourist economy of border cities.
The Heterosexual Agenda: If the midterm elections validated anything, it’s our government’s efforts on behalf of the often misunderstood and long-oppressed Breeders among our good citizens. Securing the overdue liberty of nine in 10 Americans surely represents the civil rights challenge of the 21st century. We’re here, we’re … genetically and culturally predisposed to drink beer, shoot deer, and pretend to know what we mean when discussing differential gears — get used to it!
Impeachment Proceedings: The right wing’s media lackeys squealed all summer about how a Conyers-led Judiciary Committee would make impeaching the president its top priority — little did they know that their paranoid talking point was bull’s-eye accurate. The attached articles of impeachment simply await your signature. ¡Si, se puede!