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Scientology has the last laugh

1986: Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard dies. A dark cloud looms over Scientology’s Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles as the search begins for the “Chosen One” who will succeed Hubbard and usher in a golden age of humanity.

1990: After realizing he actually agreed to star in Days of Thunder, Tom Cruise is hooked up to an “E-meter” and “audited” by a Scientologist. Later, Cruise renounces Catholicism and embraces Scientology. His thetan (immortal soul) has lived many lives before this one, but none before or after will matter as much. Cruise, unaware of the fate planned for him by his spiritual counselors, is content to pursue the liberating state of Operating Thetan VIII, during which his thetan will eventually return to its native state of total freedom and control over matter, energy, space, time, thoughts, form, and even life.

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Cruise meets Nicole Kidman while filming Days of Thunder. They marry before the end of the year.

2001: Realizing Kidman’s Scientology beliefs are insincere and that she has gained far more from their relationship than he has, Cruise divorces her.

April 2005: Cruise meets newly single (and vulnerable) Katie Holmes. After being audited per Cruise’s suggestion, Holmes is prescribed a natural cocktail designed to “purge” her system. About the same time, she begins to appear behind her new boyfriend at functions, a smile frozen on her face.

October 2005: Engaged since June, Cruise and Holmes announce Holmes is pregnant with their first child.

February 2006: Plagued by bizarre dreams, Holmes begins to doubt the competency of the Church of Scientology’s recommended obstetricians and asks to visit her family doctor. Cruise agrees reluctantly. The next day, he breaks the news to Holmes that Dr. Twynham perished during the night in a freak baking accident.

April 18, 2006: Deep within the bowels of the Scientology Celebrity Centre, in a birthing arena surrounded by 300 white-robed Scientologists, Holmes delivers a baby girl named Suri that the doctors call “the Chosen One.”

Later that day, Cruise is elevated to Operating Thetan Level VIII. Unable to manipulate time, energy, or anything like that, he is told to be patient. The abilities will come. “When?” he pleads. “Um. Eventually.” Meanwhile, he’s reminded it’s important that he gets back out there to promote his new film, Mission: Impossible III.

2022: After 16 years in seclusion, Suri is introduced to the world before the United Nations’ general assembly. Her beauty and mellifluous voice seduce the delegates and it’s not long before the world is clamoring to devote themselves to her. The Church of Scientology quickly becomes the dominant religion of the world.

2024: At 18, Suri takes for her husband the only begotten son of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and together they are elected to co-govern the United Nations. Before the close of the year, the couple will dissolve the UN and Suri will declare herself the leader of a new Empire and, with Pitt and Jolie’s super-child at her side, parent a new race of super-men who will rule the world in perpetuity, helping to guide every thetan to Operating Thetan Level VIII and beyond (as long as they can afford the training).

That same year, Mission: Impossible 14 premieres, starring “the next Tom Cruise” — Preston Michael Spears Federline. Cruise, who has been absent since introducing Suri to the UN, disappears from public consciousness. Years later, the Church of Scientology will call him a saint while Holmes will slip into myth until her name is forgotten altogether.

- Cole Haddon


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