|Illustration by Chuck Kerr|
I’m sure there would have been a few more send-ups released this year, too, but perhaps some studio execs finally learned to say no to bad ideas. Well, some bad ideas. Here are a few, and how I imagine them being pitched.
Western Movie: We open on a dark South Dakota town. The sign above the road cutting through it reads “Bigwood.” Get it? It’s Deadwood, but we make it sound like it’s a big boner. Funny, right? It gets better. For the next 90 minutes, we’re going to skewer every Western me, you, and our dads grew up on while something like an Ennio Morricone score plays in the background. Instead of Shane, there’s a dude named “Dane” – and yes, we get Dane Cook to play him. Naturally, Wyatt Earp is the town sheriff, he has this huge, silly mustache he can’t talk around, and (get this) his best friend Doc Holliday is a total queen that likes to play with his pistol. We’ll get someone like Rupert Everett to play the part. Make him all lispy. Funny, right? That’s nothing, though. Billy the Kid isn’t dead. We get Emilio Estevez to play him again. Trust me, he’s available. And then there’s the “Not Exactly Alone Ranger.” Lou Diamond Phillips can play his sidekick-bitch; that’d be perfect.
Not Another British Period Movie: Come on, who isn’t sick of Jane Austen adaptations? Do we really need another Charles Dickens book turned into a BBC mini-series? How many movies about queens named Elizabeth can be made in one decade? Let’s poke a little fun at every movie that Merchant Ivory ever made or wished they had. We’ll get Kristen Bell from Veronica Mars to play the bisexual Lezzy Bennet with that Angel neanderthal David Boreanaz as her true love, Mr. Boring. He’s perfect since, well, he’s boring to watch but good to look at. We’ll hire Nicol Williamson and a bunch of other old Shakespeareans who are out of work, too. Bring in Dave Chappelle to play some black guy like he did in Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Make everyone talk like pompous dolts, throw in a few chastity belts, mock Hugh Grant’s hair.
The God Movie: The other night, I was sitting around watching TV and The Passion of the Christ was on, and I thought, “Jesus, why the fuck don’t we make a movie making fun of movies about God?” We could open in the Garden of Eden, so we have to get some smoking-hot model type, maybe Gisele, to play Eve and someone brainless like Chad Michael Murray to play Adam. Maybe we can even get Charlton Heston to play Moses again. Sure, he’s got Alzheimer’s, but it could work. He carries the Ten Commandments with one arm and a shotgun with the other. Then, while the Ark of the Covenant is being hidden away, the wall breaks open and a guy in a battered old fedora and leather jacket springs inside, surprising everyone. But, of course, the funny shit starts when Christ gets arrested and crucified. Everyone’s seen Passion, so we can just turn it into a complete laughfest with Christ blaming the Jews for all the world’s problems, kind of digging the whip, and totally making out with Mary Magdalene, who’s knocked up with his kid out of The Da Vinci Code. I’m telling you, this will play great in the Midwest and the South.
War Movie: Fade in on the beaches of Normandy just as thousands of Allied soldiers, pouring out of transports as far as the eye can see, surge forward and are cut down by German bullets en masse. There’s blood everywhere. Organs spill out. Rip Taylor runs past, throwing confetti in the air. Wait a minute, this isn’t funny… l