Don’t let her innocent June Cleaver-meets-Amazing-Technicolor-Dreamcoat-appearance fool you. Stand-up comedian Lisa Lampanelli is vulgar, vivacious, and vicious.
Known in the circuit as the “Queen of Mean,” Lampanelli is currently on tour to promote her comedy CD/DVD Dirty Girl. Someone grab the soap. She’ll be at the Empire Theatre December 7.
Lampanelli spoke to the Current last week, beginning the interview with her own questions.
The San Antonio Current? Is that an alt-weekly?
Yes, we’re an alt-weekly.
So, does alt mean alternative or does it mean fag?
Alternative. We try to cover the news no one else wants to touch, so we thought you fell right into that category.
So, fag, okay. Are you gay or straight?
With a name like Kiko? How’d that happen? Is that a nickname?
Yeah, it’s short for Francisco. I’m Hispanic.
Oh, I knew that honey. Martinez plus the accent, I knew I was on the phone with a beaner. Are you Mexican or Puerto Rican?
Oh, good. You guys know your place.
So, have you ever been to San Antonio?
No, but if all the spics sound like you I’m coming down a day early and get me some spic juice.
This might be the most obvious question I’ve ever asked anyone, but what makes you a dirty girl?
I cuss a lot. When you say the word cunt four or five times during your act you are officially considered a dirty girl. So, yeah, I’m dirty, I’m proud of it, I’m gangsta’, bitch!
Do you ever worry that you’re going to slip up in the middle of a show and say something that is career-ending?
No! I say a billion-times worse things than anyone out there and no one gets mad at me. Can you tell me why? No, because you’re Latino and therefore not as smart as white people, so I’ll tell you. Because I have love in my heart for everybody, even you dirty, dirty Mexicans.
A lot of people know you because you’re a regular of the Comedy Central celebrity-roast shows. Who would you like to roast next?
Really, I want to roast anybody who has a sense of humor. I’m sick of these people who take themselves seriously like the Rosie O’Donnells and the Tom Cruises. Next, we’re roasting Gene Simmons from Kiss. He’s someone that can take it like a man.
I read that you’re going to be performing at Carnegie Hall next year.
Yeah, you’re talking about something major that everyone wants to do. I didn’t think they were going to say yes to me. I thought the only people that played there were these Jap singers and cello players — all this classy shit. But I guess money talks. I’m checking everything off my list this year: Carnegie Hall; bang two black guys at the same time.
I saw that thongs are for sale on your website. Edible?
No, because I’m on Jenny Craig and if I can’t eat shit neither can the whores who buy these things. And by the way, maybe in San Antonio I’ll have a dirty boy thong you can model for my gay opening act because he loves Latinos. He sits outside Home Depot everyday waiting for you people. •
Lisa Lampanelli: Dirty Girl
8pm Dec 7
Charline McCombs Empire Theatre
226 N. St. Mary’s St.