“It’s okay to not reveal every aspect of your sex life on a first date,” said Lo, a kink-positive podcaster and AB/DL whose show explores all aspects of your shared kink. “Besides, saying, ‘I like to wear diapers,’ on the first date is a surefire way to scare someone off. A better strategy is to establish a connection with a person, determine whether or not they’re trustworthy, and then open up about AB/DL. That takes time.”
Lo also doesn’t think you should write off vanilla people as potential partners.
“BABE should know that it’s possible to convert someone to the AB/DL side,” said Lo. “I see it happen all the time. That’s the focus of Dream a Little, my AB/DL podcast. Most of the people I feature are men who have turned their female partners on to AB/DL, so the odds are in your favor.” Lo herself is happily partnered with a vanilla guy who embraced her kink.
That doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed success the first time you disclose your kink to a partner, BABE. But you’ll never find someone with whom you’re compatible — or with whom you can achieve compatibility — unless you’re willing to risk opening up to someone.
“BABE is more likely to be doomed to the #foreveralone club if he gives up entirely out of fear,” said Lo. “Being an AB/DL poses some unique challenges in the dating world, but thousands of other AB/DLs have found a way to make it work, and he can too.”
Now, before people start freaking out (and it may be too late), it’s not just AB/DLs who “convert” or “turn” vanilla partners to their kinks. There are two kinds of people at any big kink event (BDSM party, furry convention, piss splashdown): the people who were always kinky, i.e., people who’ve been aware of their kinks since puberty (and masturbating about them since puberty), and the people who fell in love with those people. So Lo isn’t telling BABE to do anything that people with other kinks aren’t advised to do all the time: date, establish trust, and then lay your kink cards on the table.
“BABE has come a long way, and it’s great that he’s building confidence. But he still views his kink as an impossible obstacle, and it doesn’t need to be that way,” said Lo. “It’s so important that you learn how to accept your kink, because then you will know you’re capable of and deserving of love.”
And finally, BABE, if and when you do meet a woman who is willing to indulge you — or maybe even embrace AB/DL play — don’t neglect her sexual needs. I answered a letter years ago from a frustrated woman who was preparing to leave her AB/DL husband because he never wanted to have vanilla sex and, as much as she’d come to enjoy AB/DL occasionally, she no longer felt like her needs mattered to her husband. Don’t make the same mistake that guy did — or you could, after a long search for a compatible partner, find yourself miserable and alone again.
You can follow Lo on Twitter and Instagram @daddyiwantthis. Her podcast and AB/DL self-acceptance programs can be found at thelittlelounge.com.