Differences don’t have to destroy a relationship. Differences can actually enhance and help sustain a relationship. But for differences to have that effect, HOMO, both partners have to appreciate each other for their differences. You don’t sound appreciative – you sound contemptuous. And that’s a problem.
According to Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute (a research institution dedicated to studying and strengthening marriages and other interpersonal relationships) – who says he can accurately predict divorce in 90 percent of cases – contempt is the leading predictor of divorce. “When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship, you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities,” he writes in Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Contempt, Gottman argues, destroys whatever bonds hold a couple together.
You’ve been together only 10 months, HOMO, and you’re not married, but it sounds like contempt has already overwhelmed your relationship. It’s not just that you dislike his friends, you’re contemptuous of them; it’s not just that you don’t share his spiritual beliefs, you’re contemptuous of them; it’s not just that his gayness is expressed in a different-than-yours-but-still-perfectly-valid way, you’re contemptuous of him as a gay man. Because he doesn’t watch Drag Race or hang out in gay bars. Because he’s got a lot of female friends. Because he’s happy to sit and talk with his friends about their kids. (There’s nothing “straighty” about kid conversations. Gay parents take part in those conversations, too. And while we’re in this parenthesis: I can’t understand why anyone would waste their time actively disliking drag queens. But being a gay male correlates more strongly with liking dick than it does with liking drag.)
This relationship might work if you were capable of appreciating the areas where you two overlap – your shared interests (including your shared interest in each other) – and content to let him go off and enjoy his friends, his new-age church and his standing Friday-night dinner date. A growing body of research shows that divergent interests + some time away from each other + mutual respect = long-term relationship success. You’re missing the “mutual respect” part – and where this formula is concerned, HOMO, two out of three ain’t enough.
Here’s how it might look if you could appreciate your differences: You’d do the things you enjoy doing together – like, say, each other – but on Friday nights, he makes dinner for his bestie and you hit the gay bars with your gay friends and catch a drag show. You would go on vacations together, but once in a while he’d go on vacation with one of his “straighty” friends, and once in a while you’d go on vacation with your gay friends. On Sundays, he’d go to woo-woo church and you’d sleep in or binge-watch Pose. You’d be happy to let him be him, and he’d be happy to let you be you—and together the two of you would add up to an interesting, harmonious, compelling “we.”
But I honestly don’t think you have it in you.