Settle this for us, Dan? Which is the bigger ask: a one-time, once-in-a-lifetime threesome or regular (and pretty damn elaborate) bondage sessions?
—Ruling On Private Enquiry Required
Let me guess: Your partner is into bondage, ROPER, and you’re not. But you’ve been doing the hard work of tying him/her/some-other-point-along-the-gender-spectrum up for months, years or decades … and the partner you’ve gone to great lengths to indulge (and restrain) regards your request for a once-in-a-lifetime/standard-issue-fantasy threesome as too much to ask of him/her/SOPATGS.
My ruling: Regular and intense bondage sessions are the bigger ask in terms of time and effort—particularly if I guessed wrong, ROPER, and you’re the person who’s getting tied up and bondage isn’t your thing—but a threesome, even just one, is going to be a bigger ask emotionally for most people. While the former requires patience and endurance, the latter requires revisiting feelings about monogamy, sharing your partner with another person, etc. It’s a smaller ask in terms of time and effort, certainly, but a higher hurdle in fee-fee terms.
I am a single hetero male. I had a female FWB for several months. She started dating a new guy, and he asked that she stop talking to me. That seems like a red flag. If he’d asked that we stop having sex, that would be one thing, but asking her to completely end the friendship seems like a warning sign of a controller. Am I overreacting? Does that seem like a red flag to you? Should I say anything to her?
—Can’t Understand Lover’s Loss
Isolating a romantic partner from her family and friends is a red flag—that’s a classic abuser move—but asking a girl you’ve just started dating to cut off a friend she’s been fucking for months isn’t necessarily an abuser move. If he’s asking her to cut non-FWB friends and family members in addition to you, CULL, then it’s a red flag and you should speak to her. But if it’s only you, CULL, then it’s just some garden-variety insecurity on the new BF’s part. Let your friend know that you hope you can reestablish your friendship once her new BF is feeling more secure or her BF is out of the picture—whichever comes first.
My boyfriend and I have been having lots of problems. I am way too critical, and he has “erectile dysfunction,” aka issues getting and staying hard. But I recently discovered that he can get hard in an instant by licking my feet or using them to masturbate! This is great! He is finally opening up sexually! I want to explore this with him and let him know that his sexuality is a beautiful thing. But I can’t find enough information on the internet on how to support him. Any advice?
—Truly Over Erotic Slump
Your boyfriend doesn’t have “erectile dysfunction,” TOES, and never did. Your BF, like millions of other men who are presumed to have ED, simply wasn’t doing the things that turn him on. Now that he is—now that your feet are in play—he doesn’t have any issues getting and staying hard. And you don’t need anything off the internet, TOES. You already have everything you need to support your boyfriend: the shit in your shoes (those lovely feet of yours) and the shit between your ears (your supportive, sex-positive attitude about his kinks). Have fun.
At my 50th birthday party, my older brother announced to everyone—including my new wife, our parents, and his teenage son—that I used to wear women’s clothes. I was humiliated and deeply hurt. I wanted to punch him and tell all his secrets. But I didn’t. Now I am planning to humiliate him on a special occasion of his. Childish, I know, but what else can I do to save face?
—Devastated In Denver
You could’ve saved face in the moment by laughing and saying something like this: “Yeah, I was quite the little pervert back then, bro, but weren’t we all at that age?” Your parents, your new wife, your brother’s son, et al. would’ve imagined your brother doing something much, much worse than wearing women’s clothes. But it’s too late for that comeback. (Avoir l’esprit de l’escalier, right?) So my advice now: Pick a special, solemn occasion—your brother’s anniversary party, midnight mass, his son’s graduation—and show up in full fuckin’ drag.
I’m a 33-year-old lesbian. A year ago, my partner and I split up for five months. During that time, I dated a girl while my partner engaged in multiple sexual relationships—all with men. We ended up getting back together. One problem keeps me from moving on: I am the only woman my partner has ever been with, and I can’t stop thinking about the fact that she spent so much “quality time” with so many men while we were apart. I can’t help but wonder if she’s bi or straight! It also hurts that she feels like she can’t be honest with me about what she likes or wants or needs sexually. I should mention that we are a little over a year into our “new” relationship and we never have sex. I initiated sex a week ago—the first time we’ve had sex in four months!—and she came, I didn’t, and she didn’t care. Any time I try to talk to her about it, she gets defensive and tells me that she is attracted to me and insists she doesn’t like sex with guys. What do I do, Dan?
—Fixing To Explode
Thought experiment: Let’s pretend your girlfriend is a lesbian. (And why not? Your girlfriend does.) What kind of a lesbian GF is she? The kind of lesbian GF who doesn’t fuck you much, sucks in bed on those rare occasions when she does fuck you, and manipulates you emotionally to keep you from calling her on her doesn’t-fuck-you-much/sucks-in-bed-when-she-does bullshit. So, FTE, your GF—lesbian or not—is selfish and inconsiderate and she’s making you miserable. End it.
Hetero, 44, female. I cannot orgasm when I have been drinking. Isn’t that the opposite problem of most women? And oh, baby, I orgasm fast and hard when I am sober. Also, what is a bad mama jama? I have always wanted to know.
—Where Did O Go?
Shakespeare diagnosed your problem centuries ago: Boozing “provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.” As for “bad mama jama,” WDOG, I wasn’t familiar with the expression—first guess: a Martin Lawrence comedy about a male FBI agent who goes undercover as the first black woman to edit the Journal of the American Medical Association—but the Google tells me it’s a song about something or other.
I’m a submissive gay boy into puppy play. And I have a huge crush on a certain sex-advice columnist and his crazy-hot husband. How do I get to be their owned puppy?
—Boy After Real Kinks
Good news, BARK! Terry says we can get a puppy! But he says we’ll have to get our puppy fixed. That’s a big ask, I realize, but we wanna be responsible dog owners.
This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan speaks with porn-industry director, performer, and producer Joanna Angel at savagelovecast.com.