I’m a twentysomething married trans guy in an openish marriage. In the online hunt for a guy to have some aboveboard, under-the-sheets fun with, I run into snags because I’m trans (I disclose on my profile) and because I’m married. I’m baby-stepping my way toward an offline search for guys, going to events hosted by the local gay pride center. I’ve been thinking of not wearing my wedding ring at these meet-ups, as I worry it says I’m taken and off-limits. Would it be dishonest for me to present as unmarried as long as I make it clear that I’m not looking for romance?
Totally On-Limits Dude
My response is likely to wind up on antigay websites, TOLD, so let me preface it with this: We only started hearing that monogamy wasn’t just the cultural expectation/default setting for married couples but a crucial, essential, definitional element of marriage when same-sex couples began to press for marriage rights. Married heterosexual swingers were fucking around (and recruiting other married heterosexuals into their “lifestyle,” a term swingers embrace!) decades before the marriage-equality movement got off the ground. And religious conservatives, while not fans of swinging, never argued that nonmonogamous heterosexual couples weren’t really married or that they should be barred from marrying. So it seems that monogamy—like children and religion—only defines marriage when same-sex couples want to marry.
Anyway, TOLD, you don’t have to be married to be monogamous or monogamous to be married—and most gay male couples, married or not, aren’t monogamous. So go ahead and wear your wedding ring. While a wedding ring on a straight married man (or woman) will be assumed to mean “taken and off-limits,” the same assumption doesn’t apply in the case of a married gay man. If someone at one of the events you’re attending is interested in you, he’s likely to flirt with you first and make polite inquiries about your marriage (monogamous? Monogamish? Open? Poly?) second. Your trans disclosure is likelier to be the bigger deal—and a far bigger obstacle for most (but not all) gay men—than your wedding ring. Good luck.
My husband recently admitted that he masturbates once a day, sometimes twice. My confusion stems from the fact that we have sex once a day, sometimes twice. We’ve had problems in the past with him staring at other women (everyone does it, but I do feel discretion in front of a spouse is required) and with him wanting more novelty in bed (watch porn, wear lingerie, use toys). I’ve always had the higher libido and the more positive attitude toward sex in all of my relationships, but right now, I feel overwhelmed and, honestly, a little put off. I want to feel GGG again, but am having trouble. What do you think?
Whence This Feeling?
The guys you were with before you met your husband—all those sex-negative/less-sex-positive guys with their lower-than-yours libidos—did you ever complain about them? Did you ever gripe to friends about always being the one who had to initiate? Did you ever think about writing me a letter asking how to get those guys to be a little more adventurous in bed? And now you’re complaining about being with a guy who has a higher libido and who is just as sex-positive as you are? My advice: Stop pathologizing your husband. You probably didn’t appreciate it when past partners made you feel like your libido was a problem. Your husband’s libido isn’t a problem either. If you’re not interested in porn, lingerie, or toys, say so. But look on the bright side: You’re lucky enough to be with a guy whose libido exceeds your own (for a change!), WTF, so your needs will never be neglected. Yahtzee.
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with sex party luminary Polly Superstar: savagelovecast.com.