Dear readers: Two excellent writers stepped in to answer the Savage Love Letter of the Day while I was on vacation, and I wanted to share two of their responses in the column this week. (The SLLOTD appears daily—cough, cough—on Slog, The Stranger’s blog, and is blasted out to folks who have the Savage Love app.) First up is Daniel Bergner. He’s the award-winning author of four books of nonfiction. His newest book is What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire, which Salon said “should be read by every woman on earth.”
I came out as gay during my marriage five years ago. (I’m a woman who doesn’t like the word “lesbian.”) I want to be in relationships with women, get married, etc., but I haven’t dated since my divorce. But I’m ready to start. I started on Craigslist in the w4w section and then moved to the m4w section, looking to fulfill a pegging fantasy. In working up the courage to respond to one guy’s ad—and then e-mailing/texting a total stranger that I was masturbating—I thought of asking for my own fantasy: intruder sex with a stranger. I asked if we could first “meet” without meeting: go to a coffee shop, sit across the room from each other, and flirt via text. If that went well, I wanted him to follow me to my place (stalk me), break in, rough me up a little, fuck me, and leave. That was too intense for him. Which is fine. There are other guys. I don’t consider this a rape fantasy. I am NOT turned on by rape. I’ve been raped, and it was the worst experience of my life. This is consensual sex. I don’t want to meet directly because I want him to remain a stranger. I want to be safe. I’ll have a safe word. I would also like to discuss this with my therapist, who I’ve been seeing for years, because I was sexually abused by my father, my cousin, and my mom’s boyfriend. I feel so hung up all the time by the fear of being raped that it has restricted my ability to enjoy anything. Maybe by doing this I can face that fear and no longer be controlled by it. I’m also completely turned on by it. My questions: Can I do this safely? Is this healthy? Am I still a gay girl if I fulfill some kinky fantasies with men?
–Not Wanting Rape
So you haven’t talked to your therapist about this but you’re reaching out for advice online, you’re declaring yourself a gay woman but you’re starting your post-divorce erotic life hunting for sex with men, you’d like that sex to commence with a “meeting” that is a nonmeeting, and you want to be stalked, roughed up a bit, and fucked by an intruder in a way that bears only a minimal (and constructive) relationship to your having been raped and, before that, sexually abused by an assault squad of family members. Since your letter is full of paradox, can I tell you something paradoxical? Your fantasies are utterly hot and are absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but they scream out Slow down and seek serious counsel!
Do you see the pattern, NWR? Everything you want, everything you lust for, is at the same time somehow avoided or semi-denied? And it’s not that you’re unwise about yourself. You do draw connections. Father, cousin, mom’s boyfriend performed some work on the core of your psyche, where eros lives, and probably laid down some of the wiring for your current yearnings. This does not mean your fantasies are weird (rape fantasies—I’m going to call them that—are among the most common sexual scenarios women imagine while masturbating or having sex), but it does mean you’ve got some deeper thinking to do before you take real risks. Because what I’m sensing is searing heat, a swirl of confusion, and a deluded hope that you can reliably control the forces you’re about to unleash. “I have a safe word.” Not necessarily, NWR. Words aren’t always going to be heeded by total strangers you’ve only glimpsed and texted and asked to get rough with you.
I am sounding like a prude and a killjoy. I’m not. I’m pretty sure you can pull off some version of what you wish—with a measure of safety—when you’re thinking a little more clearly. I’m all for seizing ecstasy in the present while exorcising the horrors of your past. I’m just saying, know thyself a tad better. When you’re thinking more clearly, you’ll be a better judge of the right not-rapist, one who will respect your script.
As for your last question—“Am I still a gay girl?”—let go of categories. Our human complexity outdoes the divides. If you’re turned on by both genders—and almost every bit of research I’ve encountered over the last eight years of writing about desire suggests that women often are—count yourself lucky. Your options are enviably wide.
Chris Savage is Michigan’s most widely read progressive political blogger. Rachel Maddow calls Chris’s blog—Eclectablog.com—“the indispensable Michigan politics source.” In addition to his writing, he is an organizer for the Michigan Democratic Party, where work is already under way to return control of Michigan’s state government to Democrats in 2014. You can (and should) follow Chris on Twitter @Eclectablog.
I am a 21-year-old straight male. I am in love but miserable. My girlfriend has a bad temper and is extremely needy. She is rude to my 7-year-old brother and gets angry when I spend time with him. She won’t allow me to see family or other friends because I have to spend all of my free time with her. Sometimes she hits me when she’s angry. She reads all my texts, but when I ask to read hers, she won’t let me. The problem is, I love her. She says she can’t live without me, and I’m worried that if I break up with her, she’ll do something drastic. What can I do? Please help!
Let’s take a look at a few of the descriptors you used for this hideous person you say you’re in love with: bad temper, needy, rude, angry, violent. Based on your description, I’d throw in manipulative and controlling, too. Where are all the positive words people in love normally use? In other words, why do you love her? Because the person you have described is decidedly unlovable.
Here in Michigan, the right-wingers that have taken over our state have demonized our teachers and made “union member” into a slanderous phrase. They’ve worked overtime to take away women’s reproductive rights and raised taxes on the poor and the elderly. They’ve been complete assholes to everyone but their business pals. But every now and then, they do something nice. When they do, people fall all over themselves to thank them. Then these assholes turn around and do the same stuff all over again.
That’s the position you’re in. You have a choice to make—continue to be treated like a doormat by this abusive woman, or recognize that you’re being abused and kick her to the curb. You’ll soon find out that she can live just fine without having you to wipe her feet on. You’re fortunate, MM: You can do this now. In Michigan, we have to wait until Election Day 2014. —Chris Savage
A big thank you to Daniel Bergner and Chris Savage for filling in for me over the last two weeks. To read all of their SLLOTD responses, go slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/savage-love.
On the Savage Lovecast: Brazilian waxes for men, from the waxer’s perspective, at savagelovecast.com