Arts » Arts Stories & Interviews

Savage Love: Why Settle?


Q:  I, like many hetero, monogamously inclined single women in their 20s, have had a difficult time finding love in the Tinder age. I’ve been single for two years, peppered with some mundanely heartbreaking flings throughout. Recently, I met someone at work, and we’ve been dating for a few months. We’re emotionally and politically compatible, and he is solid and kind. The only issue is that I don’t feel the level of sexual chemistry that I’ve felt with others. Part of me feels like, at 26, I’m too young to settle in the passion department. The other part of me feels like it’s a dating hellscape out there and I’d be an idiot to walk away. Please advise.
Seeking Hot And Lasting  Love Or Whining?

Dating is a hellscape, SHALLOW, but it has always been thus. Before Tinder and OkCupid and FetLife came along, women (and men) complained about singles bars, blind dates, moms who gave their phones numbers to dentists, and aunts who invited the mysteriously-single/obviously-gay sons of their best friends to Thanksgiving. It wasn’t unheard of for people to be single for a couple of years, and mundanely heartbreaking flings have always been a feature, never a bug.

As for the guy you’ve been seeing, SHALLOW, if the spark isn’t there — no strong physical attraction — you should bail. You say you’re “monogamously inclined,” and that’s wonderful, and I support your lifestyle choice. But monogamy would preclude entering into a companionate marriage with Mr. SolidAndKind while Messrs. ComeAndGo meet your needs in the passion department. The monogamously inclined need to prioritize strong sexual connections (chemistry) and sexual compatibility (similar interests/kinks/libidos) right along with kindness, solidity, and emotional and political compatibility.

Q: Gay trans boy here, into bondage but a nervous novice. I joined a gay kink site and got two serious offers. One was from a guy with almost no gear (a pair of handcuffs), and the other was from a guy with tons of hardcore bondage gear. I thought about something you said on your podcast (longtime listener!) about hardcore bondage gear — it looks intimidating and dangerous, but it’s safer than shitty handcuffs — and wound up having a great first bondage experience in some hardcore gear. Thanks!
Newby Bondage Boy

P.S. A note to other kinky gay trans boys: I got a few nasty messages from transphobic assholes, but I also got genuine offers from guys who were into me along with messages of support from some other guys. Go wherever you want and ignore the haters!

“Go wherever you want and ignore the haters” is good advice for everyone, NBB, not just kinky gay trans boys. Thanks for sharing!

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