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Social Media: How I learned to stop worrying and love the political process


Its election season again and that means it’s time for this country to discuss all the important issues and unify as one country moving forward. Wait – I’m sorry that would be ridiculous! (Just ask 1933 Germany.) No, it’s once again time for us to indulge ourselves with semi-educated, wholly self-entitled bumper-sticker slogans and attack all the people online who disagree. Viva America! (Don't tell the Teabaggers, that’s code for Illegal Immigration. Shhhh!) Let’s face it, none of us are really that educated or involved enough to make a properly informed opinion on subjects like the economy and health care. Frankly we all have shit to do (like applying for jobs between intense bouts of coughing). What knowledge we do have is usually so filtered by the pundits and the Associated Press that truth just seems like mere opinion. But at least through YouTube posts and Facebook comments we get to feel like we‘re empowered – and really, isn’t ‘feeling’ more important than actual ‘being’? I've come up with a simple formula to help make your comments stimulating and powerful while supplying no actual facts or credibility. It works no matter what side of the debate you're on.

1. Use the words "Hippie," "Muslim," and "Redneck" as much as possible – followed or preceded with the words "Extremist," "Asshole," or "Faggot." Each combination provides a different shade of meaning, offering a variety of interpretations. (For a truly effective post try using as many as three!)

2. Telling someone to "Shut the Fuck Up" is an effective way of propelling an argument without all that clutter of facts and opinions. For an even greater efficiency in getting that sentiment across – try using the acronym "STFU." Readers appreciate brevity.

3. Whenever you feel an argument has gotten overheated to the point of actually ending, you can still milk a few posts from your opponents by inserting a few colon-and-parenthesis littered insults. The reader may feel that being called a “Redneck Asshole : )” is intended only to be taken tongue-in-cheek.

4. Make sure you occasionally appeal to reason – and then follow that appeal with a statement that’s completely unreasonable. Consider the following sentence for example: “Look we both agree that we need to find a way to create more jobs – but Sarah Palin’s vagina breeds retards.”

5. Finally, if overwhelmed by your attackers you can always blame any number of electronic devices for your slow comebacks. “My cell phone doesn’t get internet!” Conversely, “I have a life!” work very well. As a last recourse, the Foreigner defense can give you some extra time. No - I'm not talking Illegal Immigration. I'm talking the tough, but sensitive sounds of the 1980's era sorta-like-Journey rock act Foreigner. Try inserting random video clips of songs like ‘Juke Box Hero’ or ‘I Wanna Know What Love Is.’ This way you can disarm your opponent while organizing your next assault.

There are many sides to choose from in preparing your personal hate speech – each with their own set of rules and boundaries. Here’s a sample guide to get you started. A comment section will be supplied below for you to practice.  

On The Economy

Conservative: “Obama’s spending is crippling this country!”

Liberal: “Where was all this ‘anti-spending rhetoric’ when Bush and Reagan were doing it!?”

Rich White Girl: “Is there an App for voting?”

Ron Paul Supporter: “RON PAUL MOTHERFUCKER!”

Political Agnostic: “You’re all stupid, the corporate elite own both parties. Either way the rich get what they want.”

On Unemployment

Conservative: “We need to create jobs to improve the economy.”

Liberal: “The only jobs you want to create are the low income type! We need the rich to pay more instead of piling the burden upon the middle class!”

Rich White Girl: “Daddy says he’ll take care of me as long as I get the abortion.”

Ron Paul Supporter: “Here are a hundred YouTube clips of Ron Paul I’ll be posting them every day from now til the government regulates the internet.”

Political Agnostic: “I work at Starbucks.”

On Health Care Reform

Conservative: “There are too many Mexicans in this country.”

Liberal: “If we can pay for all these wars we can pay to heal the sick too.”

Rich White Girl: “I’m on the pill ... now.”

Ron Paul Supporter: “Ron Paul is a doctor!”

Political Agnostic: “Did you know if you work a minimum of 12 hours a week at Starbucks you still get health insurance?”

On Immigration

Conservative: “Speak English and GIT-ER-DUN!”

Liberal: “This country was founded on the backs of immigrants and we should embrace our cultural diversity.”

Rich White Girl: “Taco Bell is amazing when you’re fucked up!”

Ron Paul Supporter: “Have you seen this particular Ron Paul clip on YouTube? PLEASE SHARE!”

Political Agnostic: “Starbucks doesn’t use coffee beans picked by slaves!”

On The War in Afghanistan

Conservative: “The Terrorists hate us for our freedom!”

Liberal: “The Terrorists hate us for our involvement in the Middle East.”

Rich White Girl: “Beards are gross.”

Ron Paul Supporter: “The Terrorists hate us for our involvement in the Middle East. Ron Paul said so.”

Political Agnostic: “This is all pointless! You’re vote is meaningless anyways!”

Green Party Voter: "Hey man, we have a vote too!"

Conservative: “Shut up Hippie Faggot!”

Liberal: “You’re the reason Bush got re-elected!”

Rich White Girl: “Gross! Take a shower, you smell like a Renaissance Faire's ass!”

Ron Paul Supporter: “RON PAUL MOTHERFUCKER!”

Political Agnostic: “Would you like that Grande, Venti, or a Tall?”

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