Sperm, it seems, has gone airborne. Yes, you read it here first. That is, if you can read this through all the sperm. As lesser news sources focus on those other signs of the apocalypse — birds dropping like flies, fish going belly up, that boa constrictor who reproduced asexually — I deliver a message more terrifying than all the Real Housewives, a shaven Zach Galifianakis, and Lady Gaga’s meat dress combined: Khloe Kardashian, Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard, Natalie Portman, Selma Blair, Alicia Silverstone, the Beckhams, Jennifer Connelly, Jewel, Mariah Carey, Penélope Cruz, and David Schwimmer’s wife are all expecting. Expecting what? Little entitled baby bastards who will soon outnumber us humble, hard-working non-celebrities unless we immediately cease all forms of birth control and simply let the wind inseminate us, too.
It certainly seems like everyone who’s ever brushed with fame has been windseminated, anyway. If celebrity breakups were the new black, like, two months ago, then it appears celebrity reproduction has dethroned the breakup. Or maybe the others are spawning to save their relationships. Fat chance!
Know who’s finally (ostensibly) not prego? Amy Poehler, star of NBC’s Parks and Recreation, whose TV midseason Season 3 premiere (on January 20) may or may not have aired at the time of your reading this. In all sincerity, I know I’m eventually going to miss all the cute ways they’ve “hidden” her baby bump on the show (frilly shirts and absurd messenger bags!) but not as much as I’ve missed the show itself because, yeah, I watch television. Only the good stuff, though — who’s got time to waste on schwag like Outsourced? Fine: In fairness, the first season of Parks was also pretty skunky ...
And that concludes the shit-talking portion of this week’s Critical Darling programming. We now bring you local film competition deadline reminders and an opportunity to do something charitable for a San Antonio filmmaker. First: Your San Antonio Neighborhood Film Project entries should be wrapped and turned in by February 18, and San Antonio Film Festival submissions are due on February 25. (Look forward to being your baby’s boom mic operator this Valentine’s Day!) See sahearts.com and safilm.com for all the gory details. Then, if you’re in need of good karma — and Critical Darling readers usually are — look into supporting filmmaker Ray Santisteban’s documentary on Chicago’s Rainbow Coalition at unitedstatesartists.org/project/rainbow_coalition. XO.