I devised a wonderful nationwide campaign for upping the fab factor of our American teenagers the other day, inspired by Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution on Hulu (because, see, I watch things on friggin’ Hulu). For you sorry few who don’t know, Jamie O is an adorable, messy-haired Brit whose claim to fame was hosting The Naked Chef on the Food Network, back when real live chefs hosted shows on the Food Network (sorry, Brian Boitano). Much to the chagrin of many a straight girl and bent boy, J.O. did not actually cook in the nude, but he almost made up for it with his dreamy accent and sexy recipe for “Bloomin’ Brilliant Brownies.” (See? Dreamy!)
Now he’s all out to save the youth of America (having saved the youth of England first — WTF, Jamie Oliver?!) by taking away their junk foods. He’s ventured to what’s been deemed “the fattest city in America” to make school lunches that consist of something other than Froze-N-Thawd ™ pizza, tater tots, chicken nuggets, and French fries (editor’s note: Is nothing sacred?).
If you aren’t familiar with Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution, google it. Also google Johnny Weir, the fabulously, righteously, unapologetically, and awesomely gay professional figure skater who was the subject of another reality show, Be Good Johnny Weir. That one’s got a pretty straightforward (and yet, so not) premise: Follow Johnny around and witness the magic of Johnny unfold. There are tears. There are sequins.
Now, imagine what a spectacularly hot mess it would be if these two shows conceptually merged! If Johnny Weir suddenly felt a burning desire (treatable with antibiotics, possibly) to visit the straightest high school in the country, and gay it the hell up. Instead of J.O. taking French fries away from the kids and replacing them with sweet potatoes, J. Dubs could ban noogies and teach them how to cry. Instead of showing the teens how to cook healthfully, Johnny could show the guys how to vogue. … Is that dated? OK, how about this: Johnny could show the guys how to bleach their service entrance. Work a pair of hoop nipple rings? Cuddle?
The possibilities are endless.
Live America’s Next Top Model reenactments? Yes!
Baseball caps? No!
Skinny jeans? No!
Really, just no skinny jeans.
------------------ Pilot Episode -----------------
High-school cafeteria. Lunchtime. Football players at one table, wrestlers at another table, track at a third. All the boys play sports, and all the girls are cheerleaders, for this is the straightest high school in the country. Our future Olympians are shoving ham in their mouths and making fart noises with their armpits.
`In walks Johnny Weir.`
JW: OK, boys, listen up! I’m here because Beeodor Academy has been named the straightest high school in America. That’s the bad news. The good news is, Johnny Weir is here to change that! Do you want to change?”
`Grumbles of “Uh, no,” and “Who is this guy?”`
JW: Awesome! Heterosexuality may be part of who you are right now, but it doesn’t have to define you. You don’t have to live your entire lives just being a bunch of straight guys. I can show you how just a few small changes can help you not only learn to be gay while I’m here, but sustain that gayness after I’m gone. Are you with me?”
`Blank stares from the students. Brows are furrowed. Packages adjusted.`
JW: Congratulations on being the first stop on my mission to save one high school at a time from the stigma of being straight. Let’s get started. How many of you are wearing concealer?
JW: No, seriously, how many? Blot powder? Anyone?
`Johnny turns to the camera:`
JW: I had no idea how bad it was.
`His voice wavers, and he seems to be holding back tears.`
JW: They’re just kids, for chrissake!
`He composes himself and turns back to the students, and hands out bronzing powder and a tinted lip conditioner in soothing beige.`
JW: There is nothing manly about having a shiny face. Now, test the powder on y---
`Johnny ducks. The boys are pelting each other with beauty products.`
----------------- Season Finale -----------------
Gym class. The boys are shooting hoops. They are waiting for their coach. Little do they know that today, they’ll be trained by Coach Johnny.
`Johnny comes in wearing a skintight, off-the-shoulder, black and pink unitard with silver lightning bolts bedazzled near his crotch. His hair is slicked back and it appears as if he may be wearing a Bumpit. There is a whistle around his neck. He blows it.`
JW: Put down your balls, boys, because today is Tuesday, and in Weirville, Tuesday means yoga!
HS Student: Yogurt?
JW: Sure, darling. Hot naked buddy yogurt.
------------------------ FIN ------------------------
Are you listening, Mark Burnett? This show would kill in the ratings. Sequins? Teenagers? Bumpits? What are you waiting for? Turn this mutha out. •
Anne Sussman is am MSW grad student, editor, and humorist living in NYC.