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The Mendoza Line: After Capitol riot, Sen. Ted Cruz stunned anyone took him seriously

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U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz - COURTESY PHOTO / U.S. SENATE
  • Courtesy Photo / U.S. Senate
  • U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz
We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we're letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas said his raucous speech at a January 3 rally had nothing to do with an assault on the U.S. Capitol three days later by supporters of President Donald Trump.

Cruz explained that most people, disgusted by his whiny voice and arrogant demeanor, tuned out his firebrand schtick years ago.

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In the combative 22-second clip, Cruz talks about standing “shoulder-to-shoulder with you as we defend the United State of America! As we defend our freedom! And we will not go quietly into the night!”

“I don’t know that I’ve ever spoken that forcefully in my life,” Texas’ junior senator said. “I really got caught up in the moment. It was thrilling. I peed a little.”

Cruz said some of his excitement may have come down to his decision to do a couple “fat rails of blow” with Donald Trump Jr. before going onstage.

Video of the rally surfaced after Cruz denounced the violent attack on the Capitol and called for the “terrorists” to be prosecuted. Critics labeled the senator a hypocrite and said he should resign for the role he played. Not for only whipping up a crowd of Trump supporters, but also for challenging the Electoral College results and echoing the president’s baseless claims of widespread election fraud.

Cruz said the only reason he challenged the certification was because Missouri Republican Sen. Josh Hawley wouldn’t do it without him.

“Josh and I are both Ivy League-educated constitutional lawyers,” said Cruz, a Harvard grad. “People think that means we’re intelligent. It really means we’re trained to protect and justify white supremacy. Josh reminded me the original Constitution, signed by our founding fathers in 1789, was intended to empower white, propertied men through suffrage. Since women and poor people can vote now, we felt it important to at least continue empowering white supremacists.”

Hawley said it was “crucial” that Cruz be part of the effort.

“Ted’s so universally despised that I was sure all the heat would fall on him,” he explained. “Boy, did I get that wrong. Now I understand why he grew a beard. It makes it harder for people to draw a Hitler mustache on your picture when you have all that facial hair.”

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