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The Mendoza Line: GOP shocked by corporations’ false concern about voter-suppression bills

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Texas Gov. Greg Abbott: “You can tell by their salaries these executives don’t give a damn about the working class." - COURTESY PHOTO / OFFICE OF THE GOVERNOR
  • Courtesy Photo / Office of the Governor
  • Texas Gov. Greg Abbott: “You can tell by their salaries these executives don’t give a damn about the working class."
We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we're letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

Republican lawmakers across the country were flabbergasted when companies last week decried nationwide efforts by 47 state legislatures to make voting more difficult for minorities and the working class.

“You can tell by their salaries these executives don’t give a damn about the working class,” Texas Gov. Greg Abbott said. “This is just an effort to build some public goodwill for the next time they’re caught dumping industrial waste, crashing an airplane or cutting benefits for their employees.”

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Corporate executives took a break from shielding their personal assets against anticipated federal tax hikes to jump on the condemnation bandwagon after Georgia passed its voter “integrity” bill that lets the state legislature overturn elections, among other things.

“Yes. Yes. Very bad. The law is very bad, and we would have opposed it before it became law, but I was too busy calculating my stock options,” Atlanta-based Coca-Cola CEO James Quincey said. “I’m so put out that you can’t hand out Dasani water to people standing in line. That’s a Coca-Cola product, you know.”

Texas-based American Airlines and Dell Technologies voiced their opposition to bills working their way through the state legislature that would eliminate drive-thru voting and force people to prove the need for absentee ballots. Those tactics helped boost voter turnout across the board.

“The things they’re attacking actually helped the Republicans, so I don’t know why they’re bitching,” Dell founder Michael Dell said. “Calling them out though, is good for business. It helps people forget, in our case, how bad computer components are for the environment. Lawmakers really need to focus on finding a cheaper way for me to get rid of the heavy metals that come from the manufacturing process. That’s what I pay my state legislator for.”

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has threatened to file suit against any company that voices opposition to the proposed legislation in Texas, or any of the 350 laws filed in 46 other states — even though he has no jurisdiction in those.

“Jurisdiction has never hampered my ability to perform in a courtroom,” Paxton said. “I wear boxers now so the blood flows better down there.”

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