- Wikimedia Commons / MaverickLittle (left) and Gage Skidmore (right)
- "Do you think I'd really want to see that chinless, dumpy moron on the beach with his shirt off?" Heidi Cruz asked during a press event announcing her new travel agency.
Heidi Cruz, the wife of Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, held a press conference Monday announcing plans to open a new travel agency for political families like hers that desperately need a putz-free getaway.
Heidi’s Heid-Away Adventures will allow spouses of elected officials to use ceaseless whining and group chats to pressure heads of households to take the family on a trip. Then, using carefully placed social media buys, the agency will shame the elected official into returning within 24 hours, leaving everyone else to have a good time.
“The girls and I knew it would look bad for Ted if he took the family to Mexico, but we kept asking him anyway,” she said. “It should come as no surprise that he gave in. He has no spine. The man couldn’t even stand by me when President Trump called me ugly — and I sleep with the schmuck.”
Heidi Cruz said the biggest challenge her plan faced was making the senator feel obligated to come back to Texas as his constituents shivered in their homes without power.
“The girls and I were surprised that Ted felt enough pressure to go home,” she said. “Usually, he has no sense of shame. But lucky for us he listened to what little conscience he has remaining, and the girls and I got to enjoy a nice, Ted-free weekend. I mean, do you think I really want to see that chinless, dumpy moron on the beach with his shirt off?"
Heidi Cruz said she's been in contact with other Washington spouses including the wives of Republican senators Josh Hawley of Missouri, Tom Cotton of Arkansas and Marco Rubio of Florida. The husbands of representatives Marjorie Taylor-Greene of Georgia and Lauren Boebert of Colorado have also reached out to her.
“You know those poor sonsofbitches need a break from the crazy,” she said of Perry Greene and Jayson Boebert.
Cruz has also reached across the aisle, extending her services to the families of Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
“Their spouses are full of shit too,” Cruz said. “They get a majority, and the only checks they’ve signed so far are for a $285 million Raytheon deal and budget to cover the deportation of 26,000 people. But #BLM, right?”
Stay on top of San Antonio news and views. Sign up for our Weekly Headlines Newsletter.