Toothless politicians, motorized recliners and fart crimes: the weirdest Texas news stories of 2020 

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This year, it sure seemed like Texas was poised to yank the gimme cap-shaped crown off Florida's head and declare itself the weirdest fucking state in the union.

How else do you explain these 55 stories the Current covered this year?

Former presidential campaign managers were tackled shirtless in their front yards, Star Wars stormtroopers tried to get out the vote, H-E-B offered up a coupon with a Valentine's Day special of lube and chocolate-covered strawberries.

And that's just the start.

Sit down, pour yourself a cold one and get ready for a strange and slippery ride through what may go down as one of the oddest years on record. 
OF 55
With cameras rolling, one of the Tyler Republican Louie Gohmert's front teeth fell out as he spoke to the press. Read more here.
A San Antonio convenience store clerk received online accolades for her two-fisted response to a problem customer. Read more here.
Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, a former right-wing radio host, told Fox News that "lots" of grandparents are willing to die in the COVID-19 pandemic so they can ensure a better economy for their grandchildren. Read more here.
Apparently, horny Texans don't let much get in the way of pounding off or rubbing one out — not even a historic presidential election. Read more here.
All the hemming and hawing about virtual learning may not have predicted a major problem allegedly faced by a teacher at Edison High School: sexual harassment. Read more here.
A San Antonio shooting suspect taken into custody this week while cameras rolled used his 15 seconds of fame for a little self-promotion. Read more here.
It looks like San Antonio finally has its answer to Nathan Apodaca's viral Ocean Spray TikTok. Just take away the skateboard and cranberry juice and replace it with a motorized La-Z-Boy-style recliner and a beverage from SA taco chain Mama Margie's. Read more here.
After he sufficiently recovered to return to his evangelical Cornerstone Church, pastor John Hagee chalked up his recovery to Jesus, not medical intervention. Read more here.
Controversial Bexar County GOP Chair Cynthia Brehm and a handful of faithful gathered in front of City Hall to decry local leaders' dangerous, liberty-crushing suggestion that folks might want to protect themselves with masks during a deadly pandemic. Read more here.
Police bodycam footage shows Florida cops arrest a shirtless, apparently intoxicated Brad Parscale after the Trump campaign official's wife called emergency responders to their residence. Read more here.
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In a Facebook post, former Little Caesars store manager Stephen Estrada announced he'd quit his job with the pizza chain after battling a four-month rat infestation at his South San Antonio location. Read more here.
In a news release, the Republican Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick said he's prepared to offer up to $1 million to "incentivize, encourage and reward" people people who blow the whistle on voter fraud in the Lone Star State. Read more here.
A former University of Texas at San Antonio instructor is accused of supplying drugs to an Austin-based drug ring that distributed counterfeit Adderall and Xanax. Read more here.
KENS5 Assistant News Director James Keith went on a Twitter blocking spree this weekend after criticism from local reporters and former San Antonio mayor Julián Castro over how the station handled issues of race in a recent story. Read more here.
Despite the ongoing global pandemic, crowds of partiers descended on Crystal Beach on Texas' Bolivar Peninsula for Go Topless Jeep Weekend, an event that's about as classy as it sounds. Read more here.
Hot Joy owner Chad Carey tweeted a screenshot of surveillance footage showing an unwelcome guest behind the restaurant's bar. Read more here.
A man taking out the trash on the East Side got a toothy surprise. When performing what should have been a boring chore, the man encountered a five-foot long alligator taking a siesta in his front yard. Read more here.
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has filed a long-shot lawsuit asking the U.S. Supreme Court to throw out the election results from four battleground states won by president-elect Joe Biden. Read more here.
A San Antonio man who was sleeping in a dumpster has been hospitalized with minor injuries after getting picked up by a garbage truck. Read more here.
A hangry woman is facing charges after losing her temper and damaging another vehicle waiting in line at a San Antonio Whataburger drive-thru. Read more here.
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Alena Berlanga, who represents Floresville ISD's District 6, is facing multiple misdemeanor charges for allegedly stealing a donkey. Read more here.
In defense of his support of “herd immunity” during a recent televised debate with Democratic opponent Wendy Davis, freshman U.S. Rep. Chip Roy, R-San Antonio-Austin, talked up “The Great Barrington Declaration,” a petition that advocates everyone but the most medically frail resume normal life to build widespread immunity to COVID-19. Read more here.
A message emblazoned on Mr. Juicy’s San Pedro location’s sign is clearly meant to troll rival chain Longhorn Cafe, which recently fired off a cease-and-desist letter to Mr. Juicy owner Andrew Weissman, telling him his moniker was too close to a pair of Longhorn's promotional phrases. Read more here.
A woman tweeted video of a Dodge SUV driving through the gravesites of the Houston National Cemetery, presumably to avoid traffic. Read more here.
Two months after participating in a protest downplaying the dangers of the coronavirus, Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller confirmed in a statement that he's contracted COVID-19. Read more here.
A Texas man was arrested after his girlfriend said he choked and headbutted her. The assault came after the woman made a comment about the suspect's particularly potent flatulence. Read more here.
Who needs telenovelas when you've got Chad's and Jerrick's sneaker thievery Facebook drama? Read more here.
Texas Republican John Cornyn shared a photo of three Democratic Senators huddled together and questioned why they weren't wearing masks. Problem was, the snap was from 2018 — a couple years before COVID-19 made face coverings 2020's fashion must-have. Read more here.
A San Antonio man was arrested after being discovered with more than 100 grams of marijuana in his possession. His mistake? He tried to hide the weed in a bag of Cheetos. Read more here.
Texas beaches may be open during the pandemic, but that doesn't mean they're safe places to swim, according to a study of levels of fecal bacteria along the Gulf Coast. And by "fecal," yes, we mean shit, or poo — or whatever brown-tinged euphemism you prefer to use. Read more here.
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The San Antonio bike cop who made headlines for giving a homeless man a feces-filled sandwich is trying to overturn a second suspension in an arbitration hearing. Read more here.
After area Republicans voted on a two-to-one margin to replace embattled Bexar County GOP Chair Cynthia Brehm with real estate appraiser John Austin, she refused to certify the election results. Read more here.
A San Antonio-area couple was arrested after forcing two teens to drink alcohol and play games with them while naked. Read more here.
The McNay Art Museum's got beef with a local rapper. Read more here.
CNN's senior media reporter fired back Tuesday after Sen. Ted Cruz tweeted a false claim that the network has stopped tracking COVID-19 deaths after Joe Biden was declared victor in the presidential race. Read more here.
A San Antonio man who was arrested for walking around a neighborhood nude is behind bars following another incident that involved exposing his junk. Read more here.
Even the Empire's foot soldiers got into the voting spirit this year. Read more here.
A San Antonio-area woman is accused of robbing Sonic Drive-In carhop attendants while her infant children were inside the vehicle with her. Read more here.
A woman with five children held a man at gunpoint on the West Side in an apparent carjacking. Read more here.
Trump tweeted that a reportedly flawed section of his South Texas border wall shouldn't have been built by a private company and that the project was intended to embarrass him. Read more here.
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Bexar County deputies arrested a 21-year-old suspected of setting two fires. When he was taken into custody, he admitted to starting the fires, saying that he did it to relieve stress. Read more here.
In his latest bout of pop-culture pearl clutching, Texas Republican Ted Cruz — who loves the 1987 cult flick The Princess Bride — has developed a case of the vapors over a live-streamed script reading by the movie's cast that will raise money for Democrats in Wisconsin. Read more here.
Dallas restaurant True Kitchen + Kocktails is performing damage control following the release of a now-viral video in which the purported owner curses at a table of patrons for twerking in the dining room. Read more here.
¡Viva Virtual Fiesta! Read more here.
During an interview, Republican congressional candidate Tony Gonzales repeatedly refused to identify the Ku Klux Klan as a terrorist group. Read more here.
A Texas bus driver has been placed on administrative leave after students alleged the driver's seating assignments segregated them by race. Read more here.
As concern over the coronavirus mounted in early March, a local housing organization reportedly threw its residents into hysteria while preparing for the worst. Read more here.
Anger is mounting over a racist tweet by the chief economist for the conservative Texas Public Policy Foundation in which he said schools should reopen since most of state's COVID-19 fatalities are elderly or Hispanic. Read more here.
In San Antonio, "murder hornet" paranoia apparently refused to die. Read more here.
CRE8AD8 owner Gregorio Palomino didn't take kindly to getting called out by the San Antonio Food Bank for fulfilling just 40% of the business' controversial federal contract to feed families hurt by the COVID-19 crisis. Read more here.
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President Donald Trump may have penned The Art of the Deal, but perhaps one of his top enablers, Sen. John Cornyn, should call his own autobiography The Art of the Hedge. Read more here.
A Texas woman says she was fired by a Whataburger in Fort Worth for wearing a Black Lives Matter face mask to work, in what is the latest in a string of penalties handed down by employers for public displays of support for the social justice movement. Read more here.
Parscale last week took to Twitter to accuse toymaker LEGO of yanking its kits from shelves that feature cops, firefighters and first responders. Read more here.
A spokesperson for H-E-B later confirmed that the coupon was never distributed to stores and would not become available at any locations. Sorry, y'all. Read more here.
After handing down an executive action rife with verbal gymnastics to avoid being called a "stay-at-home order," Texas Gov. Greg Abbott posted an online video trying to explain exactly what he meant. Read more here.
With cameras rolling, one of the Tyler Republican Louie Gohmert's front teeth fell out as he spoke to the press. Read more here.

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