The soon-departing, lovable Idol tyrant Simon Cowell oft disses performers for being “too cabaret,” and he always seems to hate those performance-artist types who have character names, wacky outfits, and clear-cut gender issues. So he’s not invited to this Friday’s “Ms. Francesca’s & Wayne’s No Where Near Las Vegas PLEASE DON’T GONG ME! Cabaret & Talent Showcase.” If the press-material photos are any guide, Ms. Francesca is a trannylicious (in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY, and actually, is probably a lady) redhead who, with her grandly mustachioed stage partner Wayne, bring a roster of crazy-ass performers we can boo offstage. Did we mention the “No Where Near Las Vegas Spread Buffet,” and the fact that this will be live-webcast to the whole world? This is the kind of night out that could turn your mousy coworker of either sex into a vicious jungle tigress with a LOT of eye makeup. Ms. Francesca and Wayne suggest getting drunk. If you’re brave enough and would like to perform that night (we’re lookin’ at you, Methane Sisters!) get in touch with them at firstname.lastname@example.org. Cold-hard cash prize to the winner!