A photo released by Rick Dyer of "Hank"
I'm a skeptic and I hate cheap ploys for internet attention, but I can no longer hold out on the news that Bigfoot (or at least something bearing an apparently passable resemblance to Bigfoot's corpse) will be in SA February 19-23. Just to be clear, that's the only news. The rest of this is not news. In fact, I actively encourage you not to read what follows. Please.
Oh god, you're still here? OK, here's the details. This particular dead Bigfoot, called Hank, was shot by Rick Dyer ... right here in San Antonio! Kolten Parker does a good job with all the fascinating details of that tale over at the Express-News, but the gist is that in 2012 Dyer received a tip from some homeless people hanging out near the mean streets of Westover Hills that some Bigfoots (what do you call a group of them? A pod of Bigfoots? A gaggle? A pack?) were in the wilds nearby. Or maybe it was Alamo Ranch. Possibly the Bigfoots just got lost trying to find the Ulta Beauty over there so they could buy some more fancy conditioner to maintain the "coarse, heavy, yet silky smooth" hair Dyer says covers their bodies.
Anyway, they were hanging out in a "wooded area" thereabouts, and Dyer did what every sane person does when a homeless person claims they encountered a mythical beast. He took them seriously and set up camp to try to track and kill said beast. To be fair, there are indeed two woody areas in that vicinity: one is behind the Home Depot and the other is Culebra Creek Park, where I'm pretty sure you can't hunt anything, even Bigfoot. Dyer reportedly lured the Bigfoot with ribs coated in a secret ingredient, which, wouldn't you know it, worked like a charm. Soon he had an incredibly poor quality video captured via a cellphone (perhaps Bigfoot trackers don't make enough cash to get a decent smartphone?), and another rack of ribs later, he was able to shoot and kill one of the big guys.
Now, some people knock Dyer, the self-proclaimed Bigfoot Master Tracker, because he's tried the Bigfoot gambit once before, in 2008, in what Dyer now admits was a hoax involving a rubber suit. While Dyer's web site passes off the hoax as "a good joke" that somehow got he and a buddy on the hook for $50,000 with another well-known Bigfoot hunter, I heard a different story today. You guys, sit tight, apparently 2008 Bigfoot was real (!) and there was a shadowy government conspiracy involved to hide it and, obviously, a pharmaceutical company bought the body for millions of dollars because science, of which Dyer and his trackers did not see one red cent. Someone call Olivia Pope because I smell a scandal!
How do I know this? A homeless person told me. Just kidding. A representative for Dyer and the 2014 Bigfoot Tour named Andrew Clacy called me in response to an inquiry I'd emailed out minutes earlier and told me a bunch of interesting stuff (not least of which is that he's tall, blond, Australian and single—all just totally normal facts to mention to a reporter inquiring about Bigfoot). For instance, this Bigfoot is eight-feet-tall and four-feet-wide, maybe 70 years old and has lots of skin blemishes. More will be revealed soon, after a "university" in "Washington" finishes their "15-month" investigation of Hank. Then, Dyer and co. will spend several days in Texas showing off Hank's body, which, from photos, looks like a cross between Gloin from The Hobbit and a deep pile shag carpet.
Clacy, like Dyer's devoted Team Tracker, is willing to overlook the 2008 hoax because the horrible cellphone video (known as "the tent video" in the Bigfoot tracker community) was so convincing. If you want to believe, you will believe. And if you want to see Hank for yourself, stay tuned. Team Tracker is shopping around for sites willing to sponsor them ("what's the ballpark cost on that?" I asked, to which Clacy evaded, but said maybe $5,000 "wholesale" or perhaps some sort of trade or ticket-sale arrangement could be made), focusing on car dealerships and shopping malls. Ulta at Westover Hills should totally get in on that.