Man Sentenced To 18 Months For Peeing On The Alamo

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A man who lacks original ideas was sentenced to 18 months in state prison yesterday for urinating on the Alamo. No, you haven’t been magically transported to 1982, and, no, that man is not Ozzy Osbourne.

Meet Daniel Athens. The 23-year-old El Paso resident recently pleaded guilty to criminal mischief in February for not walking the 20 steps it takes to relieve himself at the Menger Hotel, as most people who find themselves with an aching bladder while standing front of the Shrine of Texas Liberty are wont to do.

He was caught penis-handed by an Alamo Ranger when he was found in a chained-off area, standing near a conspicuous puddle of urine, according to The Smoking Gun. The offending incident took place in 2012.

Athens, who was visibly inebriated when he was caught defiling the monument to Texas independence, faced two years in prison, but the sentence was reduced as part of a plea deal. He is not eligible for parole and must serve the entirety of his 18-month sentence, where he’ll presumably reconsider his piss-poor judgment.

Presiding District Judge Ray Olivarri also ordered Athens to pay $4,000 in restitution. As stated in the police report of the incident, “limestone absorbs the salt and then pushes the salt out. When the salt gets pushed out so does the face of the limestone and through this process the urine contributes to the eroding of the limestone.”

For those intent on visiting the storied downtown attraction after downing a few too many, let this be a cautionary tale and please use the facilities beforehand.

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