Some people went to high school and came out as well-assimilated members of society.
Some of us weren’t so lucky, on account of our Catholic school rearing. We went in with the promise of superior education and left with an unshakeable feeling of self-loathing. But hey, it wasn’t all bad times. If any of the following scenarios ring a bell, you probably spent at least a couple of your formative years reciting the three o’clock prayer before going home from school.
15. You got confirmed just so your grandma would stop crying all the time.
14. You know how to make a necktie out of paper and a belt out of a duffel bag strap to avoid getting fined.
13. Participating in a charity diaper drive for extra credit was the only reason you had the GPA to graduate on time.
12. Your school shut down for the entirety of Fiesta week because they want to charge for parking.
11. You’ve become skeptical of all fish as a result of those wildcard ocean sandwiches the cafeteria ladies force-fed you during Lent.
10. Whenever you messed up, all the moms at your parish know before sundown.
9. You had a dean dedicated to “discipline.”
8. You’ve slipped back into the Communion line because you were hungry.
7. All your Facebook friends are getting awful Bible verse or cross tattoos.
6. Everyone came out significantly less religious than when they went in.
5. Your calculus tests had a blessing at the top.
4. Everyone in your school had the same stupid shoes.
3. You still make a pro and con list for every election to figure out who the “most Catholic” candidate was.
2. You still refuse to use condoms because you’re convinced that “natural family planning” is still statistically a safer bet.
1. More of your former classmates ended up pregnant than your public school counterparts.