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Ken Paxton catches a limo ride with Donald Trump.
Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.
Aides to Ken Paxton said the Texas attorney general is worried President Donald Trump will forget to pardon him before leaving office and is actively brainstorming crimes to commit to capture the commander in chief’s attention.
Paxton is under state indictment for securities fraud and the Associated Press reports the FBI is investigating him for public corruption. Given the potential penalties he faces, the AG said he’s disappointed he wasn’t among the 41 people Trump pardoned before Christmas.
“Chris Collins got a pardon for securities fraud and we did almost the exact same thing,” Paxton said. “Allegedly."
Paxton continued: “Shit, I haven’t even been convicted. President Trump pardoned a moonshiner, drug traffickers and some military contractors who killed a bunch of people — who weren’t even Americans! Who do I have to kill to get a pardon?”
Real estate developer Nate Paul, a close Paxton friend and donor who allegedly reaped benefit from his association with the AG, said the Paxton is only capable of a few crimes.
“Kenny’s not a killer,” Paul said. “He’s not connected enough to move any serious weight in drugs, and he’s not smart enough to launder money. Ken’s more of a ‘lying under oath’ and ‘giving false statements’ kind of guy. And solicitation. He’d be good for a few solicitation charges, but what politician isn’t?”
Paxton was hoping to curry the president’s favor when he filed a lawsuit to overturn election results in Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. Once the U.S. Supreme Court declined to hear the case, he tried to interest the likes of Judge Judy and The People’s Court.
“The President told me all I had to do was get a case in front of his hand-picked justices on the Supreme Court and they’d take care of the rest,” Paxton said. “I did my part, though it was hard. I had to file everything myself after firing my most competent assistant AGs for being whistleblowers. Law’s not really my strength.”
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