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“What could be more American that guns and masturbation with an artificial vulva?” U.S. Rep. Chip Roy said.
Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.
The makers of the Fleshlight have teamed with gunmaker Smith & Wesson to market a new firearm-slash-male sex toy called the Cock Holster — and the pair have enlisted Texas GOP heavyweights to help promote the product.
Austin-based Interactive Life Forms (ILC) LLC signed on U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz, U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert and U.S. Rep. Chip Roy as spokesmen for the product, which is being tested in Texas before a wider red-state rollout.
“What could be more American that guns and masturbation with an artificial vulva?” Roy said during a recent product launch press conference. “It gives a whole new meaning to ‘shooting on your stomach.’”
“Texas is the perfect market to test the Cock Holster because it's full of gun-crazy incels [involuntary celibates],” ILF spokesman Matt Swaney said. “We also thought it would be a good idea to line up some political muscle. Normally we use adult film stars, but we think we can broaden the appeal to the evangelical Christian market by playing up the gun aspect.”
The Cock Holster fires like a regular gun, but a user can insert their member into the “butt” of the weapon, which is designed to approximate the vulva of their favorite adult film star.
The product isn't without controversy, however. Some users have reported instances of the weapon discharging at the same time as they discharge themselves.
Swaney said those instances are few, and all have happened with the Cock Holster's Pistol-Packing Mama models. That version is designed to simulate the appearance of popular right-wingers U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert, U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and television host Laura Ingraham.
“The research and development department thinks there may be a correlation between the discharges and some of the half-cocked ideas that have been fired off by these politicians-slash-pundits,” Swaney said. “Still, they’re incredibly popular.”
Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick was also brought in to speak about the safe operation of the Cock Holster, encouraging users not to load their weapons with live ammunition when pleasuring themselves.
“I know it may not seem as thrilling, but you still get the job done,” Patrick said. “Trust me. I’ve been shooting blanks for years.”
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