In what was likely the least sexy taste test the Current’s has ever taken part of, we judged a handful of edible selections from around town (so you don’t have to). Let our scoring system — 1 heart is a hard pass, 5 means you should stock up — guide you through your next trip to your neighborhood adult shop (we visited Adult Video Megaplex, 11827 San Pedro, and Shades of Love, 200 W. Bitters, Suite 150).

1. Kama Sutra Lover’s Body Paint in Dark Chocolate Raspberry

Cost: $13.99
Aroma: Dark chocolate notes meet a wonky berry layer that persists …
Taste: …straight into our palate. While the consistency was that of a well-tempered chocolate, the raspberry flavoring was too overpowering to enjoy. Stick with good ol’ Hershey’s syrup.
Functionality: The added brush could help spice things up, but we wouldn’t want to get this on our sheets.
Love Score: 2 hearts

2. Wet Juicy Watermelon flavored lube

Cost: $12.99
Aroma: Fans of the green Jolly Rancher will find this one appealing
Taste: Our panelists enjoyed the initial flavor of this best-selling lubricant, but weren’t sold on the aftertaste. Then again, it could be worse…
Functionality: Sugar-free, hypoallergenic and water-based, so it’ll get the job done.
Love Score: 4 hearts

3. Lickum & Stickum Tastee Tattoos

Cost: $9.99
Aroma: Faint at best before application
Taste: Similar to a very thin, off-brand Fruit Roll-Up, the Tastee Tats aren’t completely offensive, and you won’t go into any sort of sugar coma after a few licks.
Functionality: The smaller tats were easiest to apply, but the larger ones warped and crinkled. Finding a hairless bit on your partner could also prove an issue. Watch out for stains.
Love Score: 3 hearts

4. Play Pens Edible Body Paints

Cost: $9.99
Aroma: Faint, and obviously far from natural
Taste: Out of the four flavors in the pack, cherry and green apple were the most pleasant.
Functionality: Don’t expect to write a sonnet on your lovah’s torso (and we suggest warming up the tubes with some added body heat or else risk the tube’s insides leaking out), but the pens helped keep things neat. They get extra points for cleanliness.
Love Score: 4 hearts

5. Candy Nipple Tassels

Cost: $8.99
Aroma: N/A
Taste: Chalky and nearly flavor-free
Functionality: The novelty tassels come with four adhesives — two for each nipple — so as to stick them on your anatomy. Actual warning on label: Not to be worn longer than 4 hours. Duly noted.
Love Score: 1 heart

6. Dona Taste Me Body Topping in Maple Sugar

Cost: $12.99
Aroma: Had us Jonesin’ for some hot cakes
Taste: There’s a hint of vanilla in this too-sweet syrup, but there’s a slightly synthetic aftertaste we can do without.
Functionality: You’d have to be really coordinated to not spill this 2-ounce jar all over your partner who can don the cheap complimentary blindfold that comes with the syrup. We briefly considered combining it with the Boink N’ Oink, but thought better of it. Includes pheromones if you’re into that sort of thing.
Love Score: 3 hearts

7. Wet Boink N’ Oink Bacon flavored lube

Cost: $12.99
Aroma: Old bacon grease has never been more foreboding
Taste: Considering we couldn’t pronounce half of the ingredients on the label, and one panelist literally dry-heaved over our office sink, we suggest this stays a “gag” gift.
Functionality: Nope. Not going there.
Love Score: 0